NICOLETTE MONROE MARTINSON <3
The first girl i ever loved. The only girl I’ve loved. And the only girl I’ll ever love. I met her some time in late 2010 and from the time we met I loved her. I started dating her in December of 2010. I was trying to stay sober for her because I had some problems with drugs and alcohol. I treated her well the first month or so than for some reason I just stopped. I would bail on her for other friends and everything you could basically imagine a BAD boyfriend doing. about 5 months went by and we broke up. I fought for her and she came back but for less than a month. I had this feeling it wasn’t going to last because I knew this dude Brahim was going to be an interruption and interference. I knew she had feelings for him, big feelings or small feelings I had something in my head telling me it was going to end with us and start with them. That sent me into an emotional tailspin and we broke up again. Than i drank again, this time at school and got expelled for the second time. She was horribly upset with me and I knew i had officially lost her right then and there. In that moment, when I went home and called her to tell her, everything froze. I was trapped in the disheartening realization that I had just lost the one I love and the one I tried changing my life for. It also clicked into my head that not only did I let her down, but I let myself down so much more. I snapped back into my own destructive habits and consequently lost the girl who meant everything to me. About a month later she began dating Brahim. I was right. Not only did I lose her, but I lost her to another guy. And being a guy, with all the pride that I posses, it was painful watching her go, but it was more painful to watch her love someone else. I cried myself to sleep for months on end, still trying to change my life but also trying to get over her and love someone else. But after a while, I realized that what I was doing was stupid and ignorant. My thought process was: Derrick #1 “I love the life I’m living now, I love the freedom to do what I want…” Derrick#2: “I hate the life I’m living now, my pain is only deepening and strengthening… Derrick#3…the Derrick i had to follow: “This life I’m living is childish. I am running away from my problems, I am running away from my true love when I should be fighting for her love, fixing my life in hopes she’ll discover the new and improved me.” It took about a month for me to follow Derrick#3. But when I found the strength in me to do it, I knew I couldn’t turn back. I had to commit to it, I had to get my life on track. Part of getting my life on track is getting Nicolette back too. So I fought and fought and fought. Every day being torn apart more and more by watching her love another man. Fast forward about 9 months. She told me Brahim is going to Lebanon for a month in the summer. Instantly I thought, “This is my one chance I’m going to get. This is God’s way of telling me that we were in fact made to be with each other and I had to make her aware of that. About a month before he went away they broke up. He made a mistake with another girl making her even more mad and open to me. I took advantage. Our first start.. Like first new meaningful kiss was the 4th of July..after that I spent every second of every day that I could with her. I think the true…new-found connection we discovered was the day we went to the Del Mar fair. We were really close that day. Both incredibly happy. Her nephew was down here and I made him like me. I got kind of close to her nephew and I think Nicolette really liked that. Cooper, her nephew, seemed to like me over time and Nicolette loves when guys treat little kids nice and they are cute with them and play with them. Than we went to the beach the next day with her family. I grew even closer with everyone including her step-dad and her mom. It was beautiful. We walked down the beach holding hands for the first time in over a year and i was getting everything I could have possibly wanted. 2 straight good days with Nicolette was unheard of in our first relationship. Than sadly, I hope she doesnt cry reading this, her step-dad passed away. It was a truly harrowing experience but I believe it made her and I closer and her mom and I closer. I stayed at her house for a few nights and fell asleep with her a couple nights. Than her sister Millie, and her two nephews Cooper and Drake came down to visit them. Drake, the first time he came down, didnt like me i think. Cooper was still practically a seed and I dont think he remembers too much of meeting me the first time. He remembered the second time at the fair though of course. But yes they came down and I grew closer with Drake. I got along with him pretty well. Cooper seemed to love me and in a sense look up to me. I would wrestle him and let him tackle me and all this shit that I would never usually do with kids. I think Nicolette liked that also. They went home and as time went by Nicolette and her mom have been healing, slowly but surely. It’s beautiful to see how strong Nicolette is. I love her so much and over time she began to realize that I had successfully changed my life. I fought for her for an entire fucking year straight. An incredibly painful year. But on August 23rd 2012, all that fighting, persistence, and effort was all made worth it. I asked her out and I finally heard that one, three letter word that for so long meant more than hearing her say she loved me. She finally said yes. She let down that wall of trust and said she wants to be with me. I’ve never experienced anything better in my entire life. Just that moment where she said yes, my whole world just flipped. I couldn’t stop smiling and kissing her and she was doing the same. Its only been about 10-11 days but we are going strong and we will continue to go strong. She loves how I treat her and I love how she treats me. We both make each other feel so loved and needed. She brings me such a warm feeling inside, an internal comfort that I’ve never experienced before. She’s falling hard and my arms are all the way out, ready to catch her, hold her and never let her hit the floor. She’s been through so much shit with me and Ive been through so much shit with her that I could never drop her. The experiences we’ve gone through together have made her and I stronger. We will always be there for each other, with a shoulder to cry on or a face to kiss on. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I love her with all of my heart. She’s the most BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, CARING, AFFECTIONATE, SMART, ENTICING, ALLURING, ENCHANTINGgirl I’ve ever met in my entire life. I just want to be with her all the time. I want to kiss her and fall asleep in her arms every single night. I need her love. I crave her love. I crave her smile that stops the rest of the world in its tracks and leaves us alone in our own whimsical world. I cant wait until I see her tomorrow on her birthday. Im sad i dont have anything but we are going out to dinner when I scratch up the money. I love her and I’d do anything for her and even when I barely have anything to give, I give it all to her and that’s all anybody can ask for, I love her more than i love anything in this world, including myself.
-I’d take a bullet to the chest for you Nicolette. I love you <3